Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
