I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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