i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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