I think my vagina is haunted
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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