My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
