So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
