hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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