Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
