I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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