Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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