well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
how drunk are you?
Several
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
