new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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