how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
