I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
