She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
