You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
