I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
