So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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