I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
