I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
