my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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