Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she looked like the before picture.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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