we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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