You can't special order awesome
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
