i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
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the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
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I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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