Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My dick has a subreddit
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
