You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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