if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
