i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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