your parents love me but you hate me
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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