her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Still dying that you shit outside
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
