He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
