I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
