he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize