It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
