I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
