im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
