Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
