I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
