i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
