You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
