so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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