you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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