Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
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why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
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I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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