you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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