someone threw a dead crab at me
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
