How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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