WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
