Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
