Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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