She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
