new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
