Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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