last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
