i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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