My friends, they love my intelligence
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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