masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
