i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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